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A Comprehensive
Admissions Essay Help Course (with samples):
Lesson Five:
Introductions
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The
introduction is the first sentence of your essay and it plays the dual role of
setting the theme of your essay and engaging the reader. The introduction should
not be overly formal. You do not want an admissions officer to start reading your
essay and think, "here we go again." Although admissions officers will try
to give the entire essay a fair reading, they are only human -- if you lose them
after the first sentence, the rest of your essay will not get the attention it
deserves.
General Tips
- Don't Say Too Much.
Just tell the story! Your introduction should not be so complex and so lengthy
that it loses the reader before they even start. You have the rest of the essay
to say what you want. There's no need to pack it all into the first sentence.
This leads to the next tip.
- Don't Start Your Essay
with a Summary. If you summarize, the admissions officer does not need to
read the rest of your essay. You want to start your essay with something that
makes the reader want to read until the very end. Once you have drawn the reader
in through the first one to three sentences, the last sentence in your introductory
paragraph should explain clearly and briefly what the point of the whole essay
is. That is, why you are using this person, place, or thing. What does it say
about you?
- Create Mystery or Intrigue
in your Introduction. It is not necessary or recommended that your first sentence
give away the subject matter. Raise questions in the minds of the admissions officers
to force them to read on. Appeal to their senses and emotions to make them relate
to your subject matter.
Types of Introductions
Please select a
link below for examples and descriptions of various introductions.
Note: The below
essays were not edited by EssayEdge Editors. They appear as they were initially
reviewed by admissions officers.
Academic
Introduction: This is the type of introduction
you would use for a standardized test or a history paper. A typical standard introduction
answers one or more of the six basic questions: who, what, when, where, why, and
how. It gives the reader an idea of what to expect. You should try to stay away
from simply restating the question unless you are limited by a word count and
need to get to the point quickly. Your basic academic introduction or thesis statement
is best used as the follow-up sentence to one of the more creative introductions
described below.
Examples:
One of the
greatest challenges I've had to overcome was moving from Iran to the United States.
Iran was in deep political turmoil when I left, as it is today.
EssayEdge Says:
This introduction is clear and to the point, and will prepare your reader for
the ideas you want to discuss. However, it is rather unexciting and will not immediately
engage your reader. As mentioned, you should try to preface it with a more creative
statement. In addition, it makes one typical error. One should usually avoid using
contractions in a formal essay, for example, "I've."
Through all
of my accomplishments and disappointments, I have always been especially proud
of the dedication and fervor I possess for my personal beliefs and values.
EssayEdge Says: This
is a very effective introduction to an essay about your personality. Mentioning
pride is a good way to indicate how important your beliefs and values are to you.
In a sentence like this, however, it would be better to use "Throughout" rather
than "Through." "Throughout" better expresses the widespread, expansive
tone you want to give this sentence.
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Creative
Introduction: A
creative introduction catches the reader off-guard with an opening statement that
leaves the reader smiling or wondering what the rest of the essay contains.
Examples:
Imagine yourself
a freshman in high school, beginning your independence. As the oldest child, I
was the first to begin exploring the worlds of dating, extra-curricular clubs
and upperclassmen. However, one afternoon my parents sat my two sisters and me
down. They said.
EssayEdge Says:
The power of this introduction is that it places the reader in your shoes, making
him or her more interested in what takes place in the rest of the essay. Its main
mistake is that its informality gives the essay a slightly hokey or corny tone.
Although a greater degree of informality is allowed in a creative essay, you must
be careful not to take it too far.
I am a dynamic
figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel
train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat
retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning
operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days
in a row.
EssayEdge Says:
This introduction is both creative and effective. It amuses the reader by listing
a bizarre and probably fictitious set of achievements, thus demonstrating the
writer's imagination (and poking fun at the admissions process). At the same
time, its light tone avoids sounding too obnoxious. As a note, you should remember
that good use of semicolons will impress your reader: "I translate ethnic slurs
for Cuban refugees; I write award-winning operas; I manage time efficiently."
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Action
Introduction: An Action Introduction takes the reader into the middle
of an action sequence. By not building up to the story, it forces the reader to
read on to find out not only the significance of this moment in time, but what
led up to and followed it. It is perfect for short essays where space must be
conserved or for narrative essays that begin with a story.
Examples:
I promised
God I would eat all my peas, but He didn't care. A confused eleven-year-old
girl, I sat and listened to my father pace. With each heavy step echoing loudly
throughout the silent house, my family's anxiety and anticipation mounted while
awaiting news of my grandfather's health. My heart racing, I watched the clock,
amazed that time could crawl so slowly. Finally, the telephone interrupted the
house's solemn silence. I heard my father repeating the words "yes, yes,
of course." He then hung up the receiver and announced my grandfather's death
and cancer's victory.
EssayEdge Says:
This is the kind of introduction that will immediately intrigue your reader because
it begins with a very unusual declaration. The image of a little girl eating peas
and hoping to acquire God's help is charming while hinting at the solemnity
of the situation described.
Surrounded
by thousands of stars, complete silence, and spectacular mountains, I stood atop
New Hampshire's Presidential Range, awestruck by nature's beauty. Immediately,
I realized that I must dedicate my life to understanding the causes of the universe's
beauty.
EssayEdge Says:
The first ten words of this essay will catch your reader's attention, mainly
because they create a mental image of perfect natural beauty. Note that you should
try to avoid repeating key words. In this instance, it would be easy to avoid
repeating the word "beauty." You could simply use "magnificence" or "loveliness"
instead.
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Dialogue
Introduction: Like the action introduction, the dialogue introduction
brings the reader directly into the action, only this time in the form of dialogue.
If you are writing about an influential figure in your life, you can mention a
quote from this person that exemplifies the importance that he or she had on your
life.
Examples:
"You
must stop seeing that Russian girl, " I ordered my brother when he returned
home last summer from the University of Indianapolis. Echoing the prejudiced,
ignorant sentiment that I had grown up with, I believed it was wrong to become
seriously involved with a person who does not follow the Hindu religion and is
not a member of the Indian race.
EssayEdge Says:
Multicultural awareness is a key aspect of fitting in well at a university, and
admissions officers are very aware of this. Thus, it is an excellent idea to mention
how you expanded your cultural sensitivity. Beginning the essay by admitting that
you were once less tolerant is a compelling way to demonstrate just how much you
have grown as a person.
On the verge
of losing consciousness, I asked myself: "Why am I doing this?" Why
was I punishing my body? I had no answer; my mind blanked out from exhaustion
and terror. I had no time to second-guess myself with a terrifying man leaning
over my shoulder yelling: "You can break six minutes!" As flecks of
spit flew from his mouth and landed on the handle bar of the ergometer, I longed
to be finished with my first Saturday rowing practice and my first fifteen-hundred-meter
"erg test."
EssayEdge Says:
The power of this introduction comes from its attention to detail. The question
"Why am I doing this?" gains support from every horrible detail: the exhaustion,
the terrifying man, and the specks of spit flying from his mouth! With such strong
supporting evidence, the quotation takes on a life of its own. Your reader will
find himself thinking, "Why would anyone do that? I'd like to find out."
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Overarching
Societal Statements: Rather than using a traditional thesis statement
you can put forth a societal observation that ties into the theme of your essay.
This can be very effective if the statement is unique and gives a glimpse into
how you view the world. It can be detrimental if your statement is debatable or
unclear. Make sure that if you use this form of introduction that no admissions
office will take offense to it.
Examples:
High school
is a strange time. After three years of trying to develop an identity and friends
in middle school, students are expected to mature immediately on the first day
of ninth grade.
EssayEdge Says:
Be careful not to make statements in your introduction that seem too exaggerated
or unrealistic. After all, no one expects a student to immediately mature on the
first day of ninth grade. Moreover, if your reader senses that you attained most
of your maturity at the beginning of high school, he or she might be less than
impressed with your character development. It would be better to state, "students
are expected to enter a new environment in which they must function with far greater
maturity."
To this day,
the United States remains driven by the American Dream, and we often hear of immigrants
who come to this country to search for opportunities that their native countries
lack. In these tales, immigrants succeed through hard work, dedication, and a
little luck. As idealistic as the story may seem, I have been fortunate enough
to experience its reality in the life of one very important man. His example has
had great impact on my personal expectations and goals, and the manner in which
I approach my own life.
EssayEdge Says:
This is an excellent way to introduce a discussion of a person who has influenced
you significantly. Instead of launching immediately into a list of this man's
excellent qualities and admirable accomplishments, this introduction lays the
foundation for a comprehensive look at just why the man had such a profound impact
on you. It also places the most importance on the American Dream, as is fitting
in an essay like this one.
Art is a reflection
of one's self-identity in the most unaffected manner. Because art is very personal,
it has no right or wrong. The type of art that has influenced me most is music.
EssayEdge Says:
The first two sentences in this introduction set the kind of tone you want to
maintain throughout your essay: introspective and creative. However, it moves
on to a very boring and stilted structure in the third sentence. To keep the tone
creative, you could replace that sentence with the following: "Although artistic
expression can take many forms, it is music that has captivated me."
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Personal
Introduction: The Personal Introduction takes the reader directly into
your mind. It says, "This is what it is like to be me. Let me take you to my
little world." Since there is a little voyeur in even the most stern admissions
officer, this type of introduction can be very effective. It is always in the
first person and usually takes an informal, conversational tone:
Examples:
At times,
I think the world around me is crumbling to the ground, but it never does. Like
most people, I face the crunches of deadlines and endless demands on my time,
but I have never encountered the type of adversity that can crush people, that
can drive people crazy, that can drive them to suicide.
EssayEdge Says:
This introduction is indeed compelling, but it raises important questions about
appropriate content. Be careful to avoid writing a personal essay that is far
too personal. You do not want your reader to think that you might have character
weaknesses that prevent you from handling stressful situations well.
I chuckle
to myself every time I think about this. I am perceived as a mild-mannered, intelligent
individual until I mention that I am involved in riflery.
EssayEdge Says:
Did the first sentence of this introduction confuse you? This was no doubt its
intention. By creating a little mystery in the first sentence, the reader is forced
to keep reading and keep wondering, "what is this kid's secret?" until the
final word, which pops in the reader's mind, sort of like a gunshot: "riflery."
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Question
Introduction: Many admissions essays begin with a question. While this
is an easy way to begin an essay, admissions officers may perceive it as a "lazy
introduction." No one wants to read an essay that begins with such tacky material
as: "To be or not to be?" or "Are you looking for an applicant who has drive
and determination? Well, I'm your guy." If you are going to use a question,
make sure that it is an extremely compelling one and that your experiences provide
answers.
Example:
Influence?
Why is it that the people who influence us most influence us in ways that are
not easily quantified? Through her work with abused children, my mother has shown
me the heroism of selfless dedication to a worthy cause.
EssayEdge Says: With
one word, this introduction takes an essay question about the person who has most
influenced you and turns it back around to the admissions board. In effect, you
are telling them that you have thought about their question thoroughly. You have
thought about it for so long that you have a couple of questions of your own -
questions that have sparked an interesting commentary.
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Quotation
Introduction: Many writers are tempted to start their essay with a
quote. You should try to resist this temptation, as most quotes will look forced.
Admissions officers will be turned off if it is apparent that you searched through
a book of famous quotes and came up with a quote from some famous philosopher
about whom you know nothing. The quotation introduction is most effective when
the quote you choose is unusual, funny, or obscure, not too long, and from those
to whom you are closest. Choose a quote with a meaning you plan to reveal to the
reader as the essay progresses. The admissions committee is interested in how
you respond to the quote and what that response says about you.
Examples:
John F. Kennedy
said, "Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for
your country." I see academics as a similar two-way interaction: in the classroom,
I will do much more than take up valuable space. Because of the broad range of
experiences I have had, my knowledge of many subjects is thorough. These experiences
will help me perform well in any class, as I have learned how to use my time efficiently.
EssayEdge Says: This
is a risky quote with which to begin an essay. After all, it is difficult to imagine
a more time-worn or oft-repeated statement. However, this introduction goes on
to apply this quote in a relatively unique manner. The contrast between such a
standard quotation and such an interesting application will likely catch your
reader's attention.
"Experience is what you
receive when you don't get what you want." I remembered my father's words
as I tried to postpone the coming massacre. Just as during the fall of the Roman
Empire, my allies became enemies and my foes turned into partners. In fast and
furious action with property changing hands again and again, I rested my fate
on the words of one man, hoping he would rescue me from this dangerous tailspin.
Do these experts realize the heartbreak they are inflicting on my young life?
While the uncertainty of tomorrow's attire is the most pressing concern for
many seventeen-year-olds, I must worry about much greater issues! It is August
31, the market is down over 300 points and the value of my stock portfolio is
falling fast.
EssayEdge Says: Quoting
a person with whom you enjoy a close relationship is generally preferable to quoting
a famous source. This passage's strength comes from the brief, understated role
that the quote plays. The short statement introduces the rest of the paragraph
and presents the fundamental point, and then the essay moves on to examine specific
details. This is the ideal role of a quotation.
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Now it's your turn. Select
one of the above styles (or make up your own) and try to write an introduction
to your essay. Spend some time picking the right style and choosing the best words
possible.
Continue
to Conclusions
From
ESSAYS THAT WILL GET YOU INTO COLLEGE,
by Amy Burnham, Daniel Kaufman, and Chris Dowhan. |
Copyright
1998 by Dan Kaufman. Reprinted by arrangement with Barron's Educational
Series, Inc. |
|
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